February 26, 2006 Psalm 55: 4-8, 12-14, 20-21

A Circle of Lament – Deb Laforet 1 Cor 12: 12-13, 19-26

Today is Transfiguration Sunday. For weeks, I had been planning to lead worship with this theme. My heart was changed though. What I needed to share with you today is very different from what I had planned. Most of you already know that three times a year, for about two to three weeks at a time, I go away to school. These gatherings of students are called learning circles. This year, all year, we are studying pastoral care. Each circle, we study different aspects of pastoral care. During the first part of February, for two weeks, I was in Toronto for a learning circle. We studied many powerful subjects, but nothing more powerful than the subject of Violence and Abuse. Last week, sitting in a pew at the end of worship, I was listening to the closing hymn, and heard, “help us share with others, the things we’ve shared today.” That was when I knew that I needed to share with you some of my experiences and some of my learnings from my time away.

Every circle, there are sessions led by the students. There were three topics this time that were led by students: Shame and Self-Esteem, Sexuality, and Violence and Abuse. Our leaders have a lot of faith in us to handle topics like these with respect and sensitivity. The topic that caused the most feelings to stir and a lot of tears to flow was, “Violence and Abuse.”

I knew that this topic would be difficult for me. I have had some experience from my childhood with this topic, and I braced myself for it. Funny enough, for many, the tears started the day before. The topic the day before was “Sexuality.” It was a topic that the planning team looked forward to presenting. It was the topic, that of the three, most people thought would be light and fun. It’s a topic that many of us would like to speak more about in our churches. We are all sexual beings, but, unfortunately, it is just not something we talk openly about in our society. So most of us were looking forward to talking about it in circle. By the end of the day, though, there were a few people in tears, and one person finally said, “Yes, we are all sexual beings, and yes, our sexuality is sacred, but it needs to be acknowledged that sex has been used to hurt and abuse many people.” There was a long moment of silence. The program then ended, and there was a lot of discussion about what had happened. We all wondered what the next day would bring.

Violence and Abuse is a vast topic, but because it is our pastoral care year, and not our social justice year, we didn’t touch on violence as a global issue, but mostly on how we might see it in our ministry of pastoral care, whether that be in our congregations or in a local women’s shelter. There was a vast array of experiences in that circle, as I’m sure there are in this congregation. Some were survivors of their own experiences of abuse, while others had lived it through members of their family or friends. In some way, violence and abuse touches most of us at some time in our lives.

Those with less power in our society suffer from the most violence in their lives: children, seniors, minority races and cultures, and within all these groups, women. There are many different types of violence or abuse: physical, verbal, social, sexual, financial, spiritual, and the list goes on. I have copied a wheel that shows many varieties of abuses. (Show wheel that shows varieties of abuse.) Around this wheel are various facts like, “Physical abuse: any touch not given in love, respect, or dignity.” “All abuse hurts. All abuse takes time to heal.” “There don’t have to be bruises for there to be abuse.”

One of today’s readings was from Psalm 55. This psalm is considered a lament. A lament is the most common form of prayer. Ross Bartlett, the author of a Lenten Reflection book called, Lamentations for Lent, wrote, “The beauty of the lament is that it quite deliberately encourages the worshipper to pour out the anguish of current existence in very real and concrete ways, all the while affirming a loving and trusting relationship with God.” Basically a lament allows for the outpouring of grief. In the lament we read today, someone is hurting. He or she is filled with terror and wants to fly away, and, in fact, it is not enemies that are hurting this person. It is, “you, my equal, my companion, my familiar friend, with whom I kept pleasant company.”

Many people are in relationships of abuse. There is abuse between life partners, children are abused by a parent or another relative, seniors are abused by their children. Its abuse by those we love that can sometimes be the most difficult to bear, the most difficult to run from, and the most difficult to place blame. How do we share that our loved one is hurting us? How do we come to terms with the fact that we don’t deserve it or that we are not the cause? Maybe more importantly, who will listen?

Unfortunately, there is a history in the church of ignoring abuse. Most churches are not prepared to respond to victims or abusers in the midst of family violence. There have been such things said as, “Go home and try to be a better wife,” and, “Pray, and God will protect you.” Marie M. Fortune, who has done a lot of writing on the subject of violence in the family and how the church can help, writes that there are three ways to respond: 1) Protect the victim or victims from further abuse, 2) Stop the abuser’s violence, 3) Help restore the family relationship or, if that’s not possible, help mourn the loss of the relationship. One other quote from Fortune that I will share with you has to do with keeping the family intact. For many people, the fear of interfering in a family of violence is the fear of tearing the family apart. Fortune writes this: “Outside intervention to protect [a person] does not break up the family. The abuse which preceded the intervention broke up the family and endangered the members.” I remember at the circle, one person was really upset by the end of the day. She was in tears. One of the student presenters took the responsibility for it. He believed that it was his fault that she was crying, that he should have presented the workshop differently somehow. She did her best to tell him that he didn’t do it. It was the pain and the hurt from the past. Something had triggered her emotion, but if there was anyone to blame, it was the person who had hurt her in the past.

As compassionate people, we sometimes have difficulty seeing others in pain, but ignoring it or trying to bury it, will only cause more suffering. Lamenting, being able to express our anguish to our loved ones and to God, is a form of healing. As compassionate people, we need to support those who need to lament.

Paul writes in his letter, “If one member suffers, all suffer together with it.” We have a lot more than one member suffering, and, as a society, we are all suffering together. Our elders, who are full of experience and wisdom, are ignored. Our children, full of their own kind of experience and wisdom, are not heard. As a society, we place value on those who contribute to our society as wage earners. Those who are jobless or have very little income, retired, or too young to work, do not have a voice in our society. How will we know when there is violence or abuse in these homes? Will we hear their cries?

How do we help St. Paul’s to be a place where all are heard? Can St. Paul’s be a place of safety for those who are victims of abuse or violence? Maybe a better question is do we want this responsibility?

How can we as a congregation become a safe place? One way, is to listen and to help each individual to know they are loved by God and that they are valued. We need to teach everyone that, “They are amazing!” When we are on committees, or cooking special dinners, or gathering input for a survey, we need to insure that all are given the opportunity to express themselves, and when they do express themselves, to be accepting and supportive. I know that our JNAC committee is very aware of all the demographics in our church, and they are trying to give everyone the opportunity to add their thoughts. Even to the point of seeking people out and asking them questions. Our children and young people need to know they are a valuable part of this church. Involving them in worship once in a while, listening to their thoughts and ideas, and even just bending down and looking them in the eye is a way of showing we respect who they are. Commune-I-Care is also another way that St. Paul’s reaches out. Commune-I-Care is a service at St. Paul’s where we try and be in touch with all the families and individuals who attend St. Paul’s. When families are called, who do we talk to on the phone? Who else lives in the household that may need to know that we care about them? Even the way we interpret scripture can be an influence. How do we interpret a passage like that from 1 Peter, chapter 2: “Wives, accept the authority of your husband.” There are many stories in the Bible, that have been labelled, “Texts of terror.” The rape of Dinah, Jepthah’s daughter who is sacrificed because of a promise, and the rape of Tamar by her brother, to name just a few. How do we discuss these passages, or do we simply avoid them? This is a question that is debated in many circles.

St. Paul’s is a welcoming church. We try to be loving and supporting of everyone. There is always more work that can be done though. I think a beginning is just by talking about it, and wanting to do more.

I will share with you a picture from that session during my circle on Violence and Abuse. Near the end of the day, we had worship. It was a worship that we had created together. At the end of worship, we were invited to light a candle in remembrance of someone or a group of someones who had been affected by violence or abuse. In honour of that day, and in memory of all those and all of us who are affected, I will light a candle today. We will then have a moment of silence.

Light Candle

Amen